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Are you a WHINER?
We all whine. When we whine it feels good because we are releasing frustration, which in turn can help you move forward. Whining can also be very detrimental. It consumes a vast amount of our time with little or no benefit. Whining is a lot like the flu, left unchecked it can spread from one person to the next in no time flat. Unfortunately we can't take a shot of antibiotics or sanitize ourselves against it. However we can manage it.
The main way to manage whining is to ignore it. Usually the whining shrivels up and dies. Please understand that when we feed into listening to the whiner they get the message that they can get their way simply by whining enough to wear us down.
Some whining is simply a cry for support. The whiner is trying to point out how tough the situation is for them. The best thing we can do is to support them in their project and help them believe they can do it. This brings me to my next point. We can listen and guide them. Empathize with how they are feeling and guide them in another direction. In other words guide them to take action that will help them solve the issue or maybe solve an unrelated issue.
Sometimes I like to use drama. Exaggerate what they are saying and tie directly to the end of civilization." What are we going to do"!? Paint an over-the-top picture of doom and gloom. By the time you're done the whiner should be laughing. Laughing is good because it usually means they see the humor in their whining.
Something else we can do is point out their return on investment. Some whiners just need a clear vision of the future. It's like when we were told to clean our rooms we would whine about it until it was brought to our attention that we could go and do something we wanted to do and then usually the whining stopped.
As you start to clean up the whining, don't forget to look at the whiner in the mirror and take your own advice and start to deal with it.
Love heals, but love also brings up all the wounds that need healing.
A common scenario: Jack is in recovery from drugs. Jill is in recovery from Jack. It seems that many people in recovery think that if they just had a mate, everything would fall into place.
Not so. In actuality, getting into a relationship even with someone who is in recovery is extremely difficult. EACH PERSON ALWAYS HAS EXTRA BAGGAGE TO BRING INTO THE RELATIONSHIP.
I understand that most of the time it starts innocently, doing things as friends usually with others in church or recovery, and I realize at that point everything seems fine. Initially when the next step comes into play and we become romantically involved, things seem to unravel.
The reason things unravel quickly is the closer we get, the more emotionally involved we become, until we finally hit the level of closeness of our wounds. We then begin to fight more which only reinforces the pain. Fear & pain are like that. First, people tend to attract whatever they are afraid of, then it reenacted and reinforced. We then get more hurt because we realize we are not the center of the other person universe any longer because the other person has to concentrate on their own excess baggage. We can't see the forest for the trees. When we were just friends, we could see the hurt the other person had from their wounds, and we could be more compassionate and understanding.
We then get into a mud slinging session, taking each other's inventory instead of our own. Everyone has history. History brings wounds, hurts, and sometimes unfinished business. Being human can be messy.
We need an awareness that one is acting out of their past wounds. This can help you discount that the other person is not reacting to you, but they are reacting to past wounds and unresolved issues.
A LESSON FOR FAMILY MEMBERS - THE BOMBSHELL THEORY:
The bombshell theory has changed many a co-dependents life. The bombshell goes like this:
"I can not change another person by direct action":
"I can only change myself, by God's grace."
"Others have a tendency to change in reaction to my change."
As family members we have been consumed with trying to fix or change the addict. We"ve used all of our mental energy on the sickest members of the family, the addict. We spend more time on trying to change them than we do taking care of ourselves.
What makes the bombshell so effective is that all the familiar patterns are challenged, theirs and ours. Let me break this down for you.
1. I can not change another person by direct action, take a minute and think back at how much time and mental energy has been spent trying to change someone. If you're honest then you'll have to admit that what you've done so far hasn't worked. The emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of our lives have truly suffered. We must come to a realization that we can neither change nor control someone by direct action.
2. I can only change myself, by God's grace. We are the only person we can change. We need to examine our responsibilities. We are only responsible for our reactions to the addict's actions.
3. Others have a tendency to change in reaction to my change. Our reactions become very predictable over the years. We have tried over and over again to rescue the addict and clean up their messes in order to avoid any shame and embarrassment to the family.
For example the codependent wife treats her addict husband as one of the children. When we start working on our own issues and start making healthy changes the addict also will change.
The whole theory puts the addict in a whole other situation. The addict no longer has someone to take care of him or to clean up his messes; this in turn allows him to become responsible for his own stuff. In His Service, Pastor Joe
INSPIRATION IN RECOVERY
My Child...
- You may not know me, but I know everything about you...Psalms 139:1
- I know when you sit down and when you rise up...Psalms 139:2
- I am familiar with all your ways... Psalm 139:3
- Even the very hairs on your head are numbered...Matthew 10:29-31
- For you were made in my image... Genesis 1:27
- In me you live and move and have your being...Acts 17:28
- For you are my offspring...Acts 17:28
- I knew you even before you were conceived...Jeremiah 1:4-5
- I chose you when I planned creation... Ephesians 1:11-12
- You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book...
Psalms 139:15-16
- I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live...
Acts 17:26
- You are fearfully and wonderfully made...Psalms 139:14
- I knit you together in your mother's womb...Psalms 139:13
- And brought you forth on the day you were born...Psalms 71:6
- I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me...John 8:41-44
- I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love...
1 John 4:16
- And it is my desire to lavish my love on you...1 John 3:1
- Simply because you are my child and I am your father...1 John 3:1
- I offer you more than your earthly father ever could...Matthew 7:11
- For I am the perfect father...Matthew 5:48
- Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand...James 1:17
- For I am your provider and I meet all your needs...Matthew 6:31-33
- My plan for your future has always been filled with hope...Jeremiah 29:11
- Because I love you with an everlasting love...Jeremiah 31:3
- My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore...
Psalms 139:1718
- And I rejoice over you with singing...Zephaniah 3:17
- I will never stop doing good to you...Jeremiah 32:40
- For you are my treasured possession... Exodus 19:5
- I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul...Jeremiah 32:41
- And I want to show you great and marvelous things...Jeremiah 33:3
- If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me...Deuteronomy 4:29
- Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart...Psalms 37:4
- For it is I who gave you those desires... Philippians 2:13
- I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine...
Ephesians 3:20
- For I am your greatest encourager...2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
- I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles...
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
- When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you...Psalms 34:18
- As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart...
Isaiah 40:11
- One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes...Revelation 21:3-4
- And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth...Rev 21:3-4
- I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus...
John 17:23
- For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed...John 17:26
- He is the exact representation of my being...Hebrews 1:3
- He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you...Romans 8:31
- And to tell you that I am not counting your sins...2 Corinthians 5:18-19
- Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled...2 Corinthians 5:18-19
- His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you...1 John 4:10
- I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love...Romans 8:31-32
- If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me...1 John 2:23
- And nothing will ever separate you from my love again...Romans 8:38-39
- Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen...
Luke 15:7
- I have always been Father, and will always be Father...Ephesians 3:14-15
- My question is...Will you be my child?...John 1:12-13
- I am waiting for you...Luke 15:11-32
Love,
Your Father.
Almighty God
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